SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MARITAL SUCCESS
In A House Divided, I write about
marriage and other issues about which people hold divided opinions. When I
was writing the book, I did not just look at the way people voiced their
disagreements. I also examined strategies for healing—ways people might come
together to promote a better way of life.
In this
post, I look at seven evidenced-based principles of a healthy marriage. I point
to the work of John Gottman and his colleagues (e.g., Gottman & Silver,
1999) at the Gottman Institute for my source and for more details about the
seven principles, which I summarize below.
1. Enhance your
love maps.
Learn the details of your spouse’s life. Know their
thoughts, feelings, worries, and hopes. Loving couples keep track of the little
things. They remember important events like birthdays and anniversaries,
graduations, and so forth. They know each other’s goals. Loving people know each other.
2. Nurture your
fondness and admiration.
Demonstrate that your spouse is worthy of being
respected. When difficult times arrive, loving couples remember the good times
together. It’s important to nurture those fond memories.
“I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a
positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as
well.” (Chapter 4)
3. Turn toward
each other instead of away.
Learn to recognize “bids” for attention, affection,
humor, and support. Learn to recognize those “bids” for attention. A request
for help, time together, support, and recognition. For some reason, women make
more bids than men do and men do not always pick up on “bids.” Bids can be
subtle: “How do I look?” “I talked to (name) today.” “Did I tell you about…?”
In a research study, Gottman followed newlyweds. Those
that remained married six years later were good at turning towards rather than
away from each other 86% of the time compared to 33% for those who divorced.
4. Let your
partner influence you.
Although it is not true of all wives and husbands, wives
tend to let husbands influence them but many husbands have not learned this
important skill. The focus here is on listening to the opinions and beliefs of
your spouse and letting those opinions and beliefs influence what you say and
do.
Some Christian men have difficulty with this suggestion
because they assume leadership means making decisions for the couple without
consulting their wives. Even in Christian marriages that are egalitarian, the
tendency can be for one partner to make decisions without considering the
other.
5. Solve your
solvable problems.
Couples have conflicts. And conflicts divide
relationships. Conflicts can explode beyond the couple to affect other family
members and friends. Conflicts may occur over small things or over differences
in personality traits and life interests. Learn to recognize common sources of
conflict in a relationship. Gottman has suggestions for managing conflicts by
focusing on problems that can be solved.
Here are five strategies for solving everyday
relationship problems.
·
Use a soft rather than a harsh start to
conversations e.g., I think or I feel. Learn effective repair attempts like
agreeing on rules and boundaries.
·
Monitor physiological warning signs like
distress and do something to calm down.
·
Learn to compromise by considering the merits of
a spouse’s ideas—share your relationship dream together.
·
Increase tolerance of imperfections.
·
You do not always have to solve every issue.
6. Overcome
gridlock.
Recognize those hidden
dreams and aspirations each spouse has that can lead to gridlock. Learn to
discuss them in a way that removes the pain from issues that may never be
completely resolved. Spouses can be seriously divided over several lifelong
dreams.
Here’s some examples. How many children do we want to
have? How should we discipline our children? What role should faith have in our
lives and the lives of our children? Differences over faith commitments are
common and those who prefer different commitments can be made to feel
spiritually inferior. Should I return to college? Many have a lifelong dream to
complete a degree or earn an advanced degree. I have always wanted to live in…
Some people have always dreamed of being somewhere else.
Overcoming gridlock requires a gentle sharing of dreams
and values and finding the core values that cannot be compromised. Search for
areas of flexibility. Find ways to compromise at least for a time.
7. Create shared
meaning.
Getting married represents a creative act. Two people
create a new relationship when they marry. Just living happily maybe enough for
some couples. Many couples enjoy raising children and caring for grandchildren.
Some seek a deep, spiritual dimension to their relationship. A couple can
create a microculture rich in stories and rituals. There are so many ways to
create and maintain traditions like revisiting a special place at the same time
every so many years or having a special treat on a specific holiday.
Read more about Christianity, Sexuality, and Morality in A House Divided
Contact
Information
Facebook Page: Geoff W. Sutton
Twitter @GeoffWSutton
Website: Geoff W. Sutton
www.suttong.com
References
Gottman, J. M.
& Silver, N. (1999). The Seven
Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s
Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Sutton, G. W.
(2016). A house divided: Sexuality,
morality, and Christian cultures. Eugene, OR: Pickwick.
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