7 Principles of a healthy marriage




SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MARITAL SUCCESS

In A House Divided, I write about marriage and other issues about which people hold divided opinions. When I was writing the book, I did not just look at the way people voiced their disagreements. I also examined strategies for healing—ways people might come together to promote a better way of life.

In this post, I look at seven evidenced-based principles of a healthy marriage. I point to the work of John Gottman and his colleagues (e.g., Gottman & Silver, 1999) at the Gottman Institute for my source and for more details about the seven principles, which I summarize below.


1. Enhance your love maps.

Learn the details of your spouse’s life. Know their thoughts, feelings, worries, and hopes. Loving couples keep track of the little things. They remember important events like birthdays and anniversaries, graduations, and so forth. They know each other’s goals. Loving people know each other.

2. Nurture your fondness and admiration.

Demonstrate that your spouse is worthy of being respected. When difficult times arrive, loving couples remember the good times together. It’s important to nurture those fond memories.

“I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well.” (Chapter 4)

3. Turn toward each other instead of away.

Learn to recognize “bids” for attention, affection, humor, and support. Learn to recognize those “bids” for attention. A request for help, time together, support, and recognition. For some reason, women make more bids than men do and men do not always pick up on “bids.” Bids can be subtle: “How do I look?” “I talked to (name) today.”  “Did I tell you about…?”

In a research study, Gottman followed newlyweds. Those that remained married six years later were good at turning towards rather than away from each other 86% of the time compared to 33% for those who divorced.

4. Let your partner influence you.

Although it is not true of all wives and husbands, wives tend to let husbands influence them but many husbands have not learned this important skill. The focus here is on listening to the opinions and beliefs of your spouse and letting those opinions and beliefs influence what you say and do.

Some Christian men have difficulty with this suggestion because they assume leadership means making decisions for the couple without consulting their wives. Even in Christian marriages that are egalitarian, the tendency can be for one partner to make decisions without considering the other.

5. Solve your solvable problems.

Couples have conflicts. And conflicts divide relationships. Conflicts can explode beyond the couple to affect other family members and friends. Conflicts may occur over small things or over differences in personality traits and life interests. Learn to recognize common sources of conflict in a relationship. Gottman has suggestions for managing conflicts by focusing on problems that can be solved.

Here are five strategies for solving everyday relationship problems.
·         Use a soft rather than a harsh start to conversations e.g., I think or I feel. Learn effective repair attempts like agreeing on rules and boundaries.
·         Monitor physiological warning signs like distress and do something to calm down.
·         Learn to compromise by considering the merits of a spouse’s ideas—share your relationship dream together. 
·         Increase tolerance of imperfections.
·         You do not always have to solve every issue.

6. Overcome gridlock

 Recognize those hidden dreams and aspirations each spouse has that can lead to gridlock. Learn to discuss them in a way that removes the pain from issues that may never be completely resolved. Spouses can be seriously divided over several lifelong dreams.

Here’s some examples. How many children do we want to have? How should we discipline our children? What role should faith have in our lives and the lives of our children? Differences over faith commitments are common and those who prefer different commitments can be made to feel spiritually inferior. Should I return to college? Many have a lifelong dream to complete a degree or earn an advanced degree. I have always wanted to live in… Some people have always dreamed of being somewhere else.

Overcoming gridlock requires a gentle sharing of dreams and values and finding the core values that cannot be compromised. Search for areas of flexibility. Find ways to compromise at least for a time.

7. Create shared meaning.

Getting married represents a creative act. Two people create a new relationship when they marry. Just living happily maybe enough for some couples. Many couples enjoy raising children and caring for grandchildren. Some seek a deep, spiritual dimension to their relationship. A couple can create a microculture rich in stories and rituals. There are so many ways to create and maintain traditions like revisiting a special place at the same time every so many years or having a special treat on a specific holiday.


Read more about Christianity, Sexuality, and Morality in A House Divided

Contact Information

Facebook Page:   Geoff W. Sutton

Twitter   @GeoffWSutton


Website: Geoff W. Sutton   www.suttong.com





















References

Gottman, J. M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Sutton, G. W. (2016). A house divided: Sexuality, morality, and Christian cultures. Eugene, OR: Pickwick.


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