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Feelings of loyalty and betrayal.
In a video interview, Dianne and Wendell Merritt discuss
their love for God and for their gay son. They deeply love both but painfully express
feelings of divided loyalty.
Wendell: “Which do we choose?”
Dianne: “I don’t want to betray…”
How do Christians end up feeling such distress?
(Watch the interview at this link)
Loyalty is a moral
sentiment.
In the book, The Righteous
Mind, Jonathan Haidt reviews research leading to his formulation of six
moral foundations linked to emotional responses. Loyalty is a foundation more
often found among religious and political conservatives rather than liberals.
The primary emotions associated with loyalty and betrayal
are pride and rage. People are loyal to their families, religious traditions,
and nations. Some people are loyal to their sports teams and clubs. Some are
strongly loyal to their political party and experience distress when they don’t
like a particular leader or suspect their side will lose an election.
Those with a strong sense of loyalty feel great pride
when their group, or a member of a group, reaches a goal or does something honorable.
And they can feel a strong sense of anger and even rage when they, or members
of their group, are attacked from outsiders.
You may say the couple doesn’t have to feel a divided
loyalty. But that’s not easy for people who accept the traditional teaching of
Christian churches that homosexuality is a sin. Some evangelicals teach that
you cannot be gay and Christian sin (e.g., Larry Tomczak).
And of course, same-sex marriage is out of the question according to the official
teaching of most Christians.
Many kind and loving parents, teachers, and other
Christians experience an inner struggle about LGBT issues. They are often
silent. Not because they do not care but I suspect it is because they do not
know what to say. They want to love God, which entails obedience to God. And
they want to love all people-including sexual minorities. In short they want to
follow the twin commandments of Jesus to love God and love others. But they do
not want to disobey a biblical teaching about same-sex sexual relations.
What’s the way out?
Start a conversation. Like other Christian psychologists, I’ve
been asked to meet with conservative Christian groups to provide knowledge
about LGBT issues and think about ways to show love and respect. Just talking
openly about strong feelings and brainstorming ways local churches can show
love and respect toward the sexual minorities in their community.
People will
have different comfort zones because sex in itself is not a comfortable topic for
many to talk about in church. And as I’ve mentioned before, the emotion of
disgust also interferes with reason overpowering emotion.
Sometimes people modify their views and sometimes they do
not. But I do find many sincere Christians willing to find ways to overcome the
negativity that too often hurts the very people they want to love.
Sure there are hostile Christians who are quick to
condemn any sinner. Such folks make the news. But they don’t represent a broad
spectrum of loving Christians.
Contact Information
Facebook Page: Geoff W. Sutton
Twitter @GeoffWSutton
Website: Geoff W. Sutton www.suttong.com
Notes
The source for the video interview is compelling
love.
Free download of my review of Haidt’s book, The
Righteous Mind
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