Boys will be boys is a meaningless statement at best. At
worst, boys will be boys is an excuse for aggressive behavior. And for young
men, the aggression can include sexual harassment and assault.
Boys will be men. Girls will be women. In addition to their
biological trajectory, parents, family, educators, clergy, and others will help
boys and girls become the men and women that respect or do not respect sexual
boundaries. Boys will be sexually active men.
Sex education is important but it is not enough. Awareness
of sexual attraction is of course important to inhibiting harmful acts. But
adolescents also need to learn strategies for inhibiting forms of sexual
expression that harm or offend others.
It’s no secret why men, rather than women, make headlines
for sexual harassment and assault. In case you haven’t noticed, adolescent
males and young men have a powerful sex-drive. That’s biology at work. That’s
not an excuse for wrongful behavior. But it is important for all humans to
recognize that young heterosexual males are biologically driven to have sex
with females. They are intent on having sex. Testosterone is a primary driver
of sexual desire.
Moral bumper stickers aren’t going to help much when a young
man sees a sexually attractive young woman. Sexual self-control is not easy for
young men, which is why societies have provided external controls for millennia.
Sexual Self-Control
and Social Barriers
We have a dilemma in western cultures because we have
removed many external barriers to sexual expression in order to be fair to
women. But we have not replaced those barriers with working control strategies
that are fair to women.
In the 1930s and 1940s many of the world’s men went to war.
Formal and informal arrangements were made by governments to meet young men’s
sexual desires by providing men with prostitutes and brothels. To fight the
battle of disease, some governments (e.g., USA) supplied men with condoms.
Thus, they could continue to enjoy sanctioned sexual expression when away from
home for years.
Meanwhile, back on the home front, millions of women left
the home for the factory and the office, which were previously a man’s world.
This movement of women into the workforce was at a time when western women had
only recently secured the right to vote and a few were rising to powerful
positions in all areas of society.
Following World War II, western cultures were on a path to
learn how men and women could be educated together, work together, serve
together, and even worship together. Appropriate boundaries on this path have
not been fully established.
When men and women were segregated, men did not have to
learn how to treat women respectfully in schools, at work, or in church.
Segregation works for men to the extent women are not available at school,
work, or elsewhere when sexual desire prompts the quest for sex. But segregation
of the sexes is an immoral method of placing barriers around male sexual
desire.
As an aside, let us not forget that women have sexual desire
as well. Segregation placed limits on their access to attractive males. The
removal of barriers at school, work, church, and elsewhere provided
opportunities to interact with possible sexual partners.
In male dominated cultures, men pursue attractive mates and
women vary their attractiveness to select desirable mates and repel others. Of
course, this process does not always work well thus magazines for young men and
women provide constant advice on attraction.
And let us not forget that segregation never works for those
who are attracted to those of the same sex. Men and women who experience
same-sex attraction are, and were, forced by cultures to live close together in
residential schools, college dorms, hospitals, and military bases. Only
recently are people becoming aware that some people find both men and women
sexually attractive.
Recognizing their problem with sexual self-control, some men
attempted to cope with temptation by keeping their wives close and refusing to
be alone with other women. Understandably, this barrier interferes with a woman’s
access to discussions when career-improving events may take place. It also
interferes with developing important social relationships and mentoring.
Possible Solutions
Continual Sexual Harassment
Training
Harassment training needs to be a part of the culture. And sexual
harassment training needs to be age-appropriate and evidence-based. Children,
teens, and adults must learn to respect others’ boundaries. At a minimum, they
must learn by presentations, reading materials, and quality videos what
behavior is unacceptable and the negative consequences for violating the
boundaries. Adults need to know the impact on others following unwanted sexual
behavior (talk and touch). And we need research to identify the most important
components of training programs.
Sex-education and
Self-Control
Sex education must include values. Sex education should
include values that underscore the importance of respectful interactions with
others. Students need to learn perspective-taking to encourage the development
of empathy. This means that older students must learn the harm done when people
are badgered into sexual activity. Sex education should also include information
about acceptable sexual expression within the value system of the local
subculture. Understanding what consent means is critical to a culture of
respect. For many, appropriate sexual expression includes masturbation.
Sex education is never value-free. Sex education separated
from values of respect for oneself and others leaves learners with the
impression that sex is divorced from morality. Nothing is further from the
truth. Sex and morality must be combined because sex and morality both have to
do with relationships in which one or more persons can be hurt.
Parenting
Parents are always accountable for the behavior of young
children but they should not be blamed for the misbehavior of teens and adult
children. I’m defending parents because they are too easily blamed for the
misdeeds of their teens and adult children. Consider many examples of parents
who have raised more than one child to find some children grow up to be
responsible adults and others do not. So, parenting is not the sole answer to
the problem of disrespectful and harmful sexual behavior.
That said, parenting matters. Parenting is a factor. Parents
teach children to respect the boundaries of others by the language they use
about sex and others, the behavior they model, the movies they watch, the way
they treat other adults to whom they are sexually attracted, and how they react
to news reports of sexual misconduct. Parents teach their children about
one-one relationships when they enjoy time together. Everyday, parents are
teaching their children something about respect toward other human beings.
Sexual harassment and assault represent severe violations of
respect for others. Parents are in a position to constantly guide children
toward respectful behavior toward siblings, relatives, friends, and others. The
work of parents is hindered or helped by the actions of grandparents, teachers,
and others. Parents are not alone when it comes to parenting and child
discipline.
Psychotherapy
Individuals with sexual self-control difficulties should
consider psychotherapy with an experienced provider. Talking with a supportive
therapist may make an offender feel better but it won’t provide skills of
attentional control, boundary setting, habit training, and other strategies of
acceptable sexual expression.
As I have written elsewhere, sexual desire varies for individuals
based on their age, time of day, health, and environmental stimuli among other factors.
At the extremes, some men have strong sexual desire, often linked to high
levels of testosterone. These men often have difficulty with aggression in
other areas of life. When aggressiveness is harnessed, they may rise to the top
in government, business, sports, and the military. The damage to self and
others is obvious when aggression, including sexual aggression, is poorly
controlled.
Policies and Laws
Policies and laws are
a type of external barrier. Whether we are talking about a parent’s rules
for their home, school policies, military regulations, or a nations’ laws, human
beings need rules. It is a paradox that freedom only works when one person does
not exercise their liberty to the extent of restricting the liberty of another.
The best rules and policies clearly define the limits of acceptable behavior
and state the consequences for violating the rules.
When it comes to sexual harassment and assault, all decision-makers
must consider specific types of behavior. Not all behavior requires loss of
employment, expulsion from school, or dehumanizing condemnation, or
incarceration. Let us be clear about the differences between offensive words,
jokes, touching, and all the other ways one person can sexually harass another.
Forgiveness, Reconciliation,
and Restoration
I have written about this topic elsewhere. Here I only
comment on a few points relevant to solving the sexual harassment problem.
Forgiveness can
help victims gain relief from the intrusive memories of the past—especially when
news stories bring similar scenes to mind. Forgiveness does not mean any victim
is obligated to speak in favor of an offender. Forgiveness helps victims become
survivors with a forward focus in life.
Reconciliation is
a two-person decision. Reconciling with a person who sexually abused another
may not be safe. Trust is the key ingredient in reconciliation. Trust depends
on verifiable changes in behavior—words are not enough.
Restoring someone
who has been guilty of sexual harassment or sexual assault to a former position
requires wisdom. Apologies and repentance are not enough. Even sincere people
can re-offend. The decision to restore a person needs to be an individual
decision considering the risk of harm and the likelihood of re-offending. The
decision is not easy. Some people change and some do not.
Note
You might guess after reading this post that I have concerns about father/daughter and mother/son dates. It's simple really, dates are culturally defined as romantic events. Parents tell their children they need to be a certain age before they date and they set rules for dating. When parents use the language of dates for their one-to-one time with their children, they violate the usual way we use language about an event that is highly emotionally charged with powerful forces of attraction. And we know dating is a way of finding life partners. Dating, marriage, and sex are about very different relationships than parent-child relationships.
By all means, spend quality time with each child. But use another word for parent-child "together time," "memory time" and so forth.
RESOURCES
Read more about sexuality, morality, and Christian
cultures in A House Divided
available from the publisher PICKWICK and other stores
e.g., AMAZON GOOGLE
Connections
and Links to Resources
TWITTER @Geoff.W.Sutton
LinkedIN Geoffrey Sutton PhD
Publications (many
free downloads)
Academia Geoff W Sutton (PhD)
ResearchGate Geoffrey W Sutton
(PhD)
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